You might be a Clinton Rumpswab

By Stan Hardegree

You might be a Clinton Rumpswab if:

1.  You regard Bill Clinton's masturbating in the Oval Office sink to be a
private matter between him and his wife but regard the details of Newt
Gingrich's divorce to be legitimate public grist.

2. You regard Clinton's selling strategic nuclear data to the Chinese to be a
matter of his keeping the door open to a nascent ally in Asia but regard Ronald
Reagan's attempt to free American hostages by selling obsolete tactical
weaponry to the Iranians to be among the century's most heinous crimes.

3. You regard Hillary Clinton's attempt to keep billing records from
legitimate investigators to be evidence of her keen intellect and feisty
doggedness but regard Republican doggedness in forcing her to comply with
federal subpoenas to be a witch hunt.

4. You believe that there really does exist a picture of Bob Barr licking
whipped cream off of a stripper's breasts but are convinced that Matt Drudge's
picture of the 21-week old baby clutching a doctor's finger is faked.

5. You believe that Bill Clinton's bombing of Kosovo was carried out to stop
ethnic cleansing there and was of legitimate national interest to the U.S. but
believe that George Bush had no busniess in Panama.

6. You believe that Bill Clinton's ignoring two draft notices and reneging on
a deal to enter ROTC was a legitimate response to an immoral war but you
believe that George W. Bush's honorable service in the Texas Air Guard was
draft dodging.

7. You believe that Bill Clinton's attendance at dozens of campaign fund
raisers during the Kosovo operation was perfectly acceptable but that George
Bush's taking his boat out for an afternoon during the Gulf War was an
insulting affront to our men in uniform.

8. You believe that Republicans who criticize Hillary Clinton for her attempt
to socialize American medicine fear strong women but that democrats who attack
Monica Lewinsky, Juanita Broadrick and Linda Tripp do so only out of a sense of
justice.

9. You believed and breathlessly defended Bill Clinton when he said "I did not
have sex with that woman" but when you found out that he did, you attacked Ken
Starr.

10. You believe that when Bill Clinton sees children suffering in places like
Kosovo, he should send in the Marines but can't be bothered by the fact that he
endorses a policy under which babies can be aborted -- up to and including at
the time of delivery.

11. You believed Mike McCurry when he told you that Bill Clinton's herpes
chancres are skin cancers but laughed cynically when Ronald Reagan's doctors
said that he had no symptoms of Alzheimer's while he was in office.

12. You believe that a man who dropped out of a Rhodes scholarship is among the
smartest presidents we have ever had but that a man who scored 1206 on the SAT
and graduated from Yale and Harvard is a hopeless dullard.

13. When presented with George Bush's 1988 promise not to raise taxes, you
mutter "he lied" and when presented with Bill Clinton's 1992 promise of a 10
percent tax cut you mutter "Bush lied about the size of the deficit."

14. When presented with proof of Bill Clinton's sexual proclivities, you say,
"He is no better or worse than other men. They all do it" but when presented
with the fact that Newt Ginrich may have had an affair, you suddenly find
yourself in agreement with Republicans who regard the former speaker to be a
hypocrite.

15. You regard Bill Clinton's renting the Lincoln Bedroom to the highest bidder
to be a legitimate use of the White House but regard Nancy Reagan's buying some
new china for the dining room to be scandalous.

16. You thought Ed Meese should have gone to jail for accepting some cuff links
from the South Korean government but defend -- indeed praise -- Janet Reno for
killing 80 Americans at Waco, Texas.

17. You believe that what Bill Clinton did with Monica Lewinsky in the Oval
Office reveals him to be a man with a normal sexual urges but believe that Ken
Starr's transcribing testimony of what went on there reveals him to be a
pornographer.

18. You believe that The Nation and American Politics Journal are respected
organs of opinion but that American Spectator and National Review are
right-wing smear sheet.

19. You believe that James Carville is just another savvy political operative
trying to get his man elected but that Lee Atwater was among this country's
most notorious villians for providing the same service to Ronald Reagan and
George Bush.

20. You believe that Hillary Clinton's conversations with Elanor Roosevelt were
nothing more than whimsical fantasies on her part but that Nancy Reagan's
consulting an astrologer revealed her to be an irremediable nutcase.

© Honeysuckle Publishing.
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